This post is a little different, I don't usually post updates to this particular project despite its relative popularity. And I know it's also late, because Coming Out Day was a couple days ago, but I'm following the queer advice of "It's never too late".

I came out late in life, compared to a lot of trans people. Both to the world, and to myself. I was told as a kid that i had to choose between being a girl or a boy, and that one of those choices would see me facing violence from the kids i had called friends, and i made the choice that seemed closest to survival.

It wasn’t until more than two decades later that I interrogated that choice and really thought about what—who—I actually wanted to be. After that, it took me six months to find the confidence to come out to my partner. Then another year before I came out at work. Then several months after that, to family and friends.

It was easier to come out to people I didn’t know well, to strangers and acquaintances or coworkers who didn’t hold as much history of the person I used to be trying to be, where I didn’t have to try to explain why that person wasn’t enough, how they were a mask I was trying to maintain, that what I needed was to be the person inside, to let her out and be herself and feel sunlight on her face.

It took Emily another five years, after realizing she was hiding inside, for her to find the strength to come out and choose a name.

We never stop coming out, never stop emerging from the casings of the chrysalis that sheltered us during our transformation. Even now I am guarding, protecting Emily, shielding her from the dangerous parts of the world. Waiting for the day that she can be on her own in this body, without me carving out masks for her to wear.

I know this story is coming late. We never get the luxury of choosing when the words come to us. But I feel very fortunate, that at least I now have this one word that tells the world who I am trying to become: Emily.

Mnemonic, or Cracks in the Mirror, is a game about recontextualizing yourself and your place in the world. It was written as a way for me to process my own coming out, and I have been told by many people that it helped them process theirs too. If you're just beginning to spot the cracks in your own mirror, I hope you are able to explore your inner world with safety and care, and that you are able to find who you want to be somewhere on the other side.